friendship Archives - Penn-Mar

Grief in Human Services

nvenn — Thu, 31 Aug 2023 16:37:03 +0000

By Courtenay Dudek, Job Developer, DSP III | Penn-Mar Human Services

Content Note: this blog post discusses loss and grief.

In the almost seventeen years I have worked in the human services field, a prominent occurrence has been grief. C. S. Lewis said if we love anything at all, we are at risk for grief. Every single person in the history of humankind has at one time or another lost someone or something important to them. We all have experienced loss; it is devastating for each person and nobody deals with or goes through grief the same way.

In James K. A. Smith’s book, On the Road with Saint Augustine, he describes what it means to be a friend. We all have burdens in our lives and a friend is someone who helps us when we reach the most difficult places in our lives — often, a time when we are grieving. Smith says, “… alleviating the burden is not a way to love them. Friendship is staying close enough to put a hand on their shoulder while giving them enough room to feel the weight. … [A friend] is present, listening, leaving you room but not leaving you.”

Blurred Lines: Friend Versus Staff

Within human services, there is debate about the term “friend.” As Direct Support Professionals (DSPs), we aren’t friends, we’re staff. This distinction is significant. After all, who has friends who are paid to spend time with us, and held accountable for how successful they are in helping us live our life on our own terms? None of us do, because that’s the function of a support staff, not a friend. Consequently, it’s important for DSPs to support people in developing and maintaining their own friendships, rather than trying to fill that role ourselves.

Even so, there is a certain aspect of camaraderie within the relationships between a DSP and the people they support. Professionalism is the foundation, but connection and understanding are part of that. While working in this field for the last seventeen years, I have been a “friend,” as James K.A. Smith defines it, to people who have experienced loss.

There was a person I’d worked with since I first started in this field who I still know and see. He lost both of his parents in a very short period of time. They were a major support system in his life, and like many of us would, he felt completely lost when this happened. I supported him a few times a week as his job coach. Not only did he keep a routine of working to help him cope with his grief, but he also appreciated his job coaches being there and letting him process the loss of his parents.

I could understand where he was coming from in a certain respect since I had lost my father around the same time his parents passed away. I was able to be present with him and let him grieve in his own way, without trying to fix things. Loss really isn’t a fixable process.

Processing Grief

People with disabilities unfortunately experience grief often: frequent change of staff, loss of roommates, death of friends or family, moving from one place to another. At times, people with disabilities have lost more frequently and deeply than others, especially in regard to staff turnover. Constant change of people in anyone’s life is taxing.

When someone we support passes away, it affects many: that person’s family and friends, people who may have received services alongside them, the team that supported them. As DSPs, we often find ourselves trying to support others through their grief, even as we process our own.

Over the past several years of my career, I have had to work through this dual grieving process, as the team I’ve been a part of has unfortunately experienced the loss of both people we support and team members. In each situation, the grieving process and the supports I was able to provide differed.

When someone our team supported passed away a few years ago, some of the people I worked with understandably wanted to talk about loss and about the person who had died. I encouraged one person to write down things they liked about the person who passed away and what they missed about them. Some others wrote memories. I was asked by the sister of the gentleman who died to speak at his memorial service. To prepare, I gathered staff and friends of his, thoughts and memories. The staff and I collaborated to ensure the people we supported who were his friends were able to attend his memorial service, which helps some with closure. They were there to support his family and show their care and love for their friend.

Another gentleman I had worked with was receiving hospice care, and I was able to spend time with him a few hours before he passed. Some of the time he was sleeping, but a few times he woke and saw me and smiled. I could tell in his eyes he recognized me or at least liked that I was present and spending time with him, telling him I was glad to have known him.

A different person I supported had his wife, friends, and former staff with him in the final hours of his life. He died while we were there, and though his wife was obviously and understandably grieving, she was grateful for our presence in that moment.

Throughout all of these losses, perhaps the biggest way I was able to provide support was by simply being present to the person in grief. Grief is always with us, but having someone by our side can help make the heartache easier to bear.

Unity in Grief

At times, when there is loss after loss, we don’t have the capacity to be present for one another in the ways we may want. The complexity of grief can cause us to retreat from others; I have experienced this more than once. Giving people time and space until they are ready to be around others is important. There is no time limit to grief. Keep in touch and check in even as you give the person space.

When you have a tight-knit group that spends a lot of time together, as is frequently the case in the human services field, we often find ourselves grieving together, as well. In those moments, sometimes the line between professionalism and friendship blurs slightly. Keep that line in mind, even as you remember: loss separates, but it also brings people together. We need each other to get through difficult times.

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The Importance of Friendship

nvenn — Mon, 03 Apr 2023 17:36:17 +0000

By Courtenay Dudek, Employment Coordinator, DSP III | Penn-Mar Human Services

Tom Petty has a song where in the chorus he sings, “It’s hard to find a friend.” I have found it difficult past the age of thirty to find new friends or even have the desire to seek new friendships. But the question should be asked: why is friendship important?

We are humans who consist of bodies and minds and arguably souls. We are not isolated, immaterial beings who can live off of light or in our own ideas; we desire some kind of human connection, whether it is someone to talk to, figure out the difficulties in life, be encouraged by, or simply be present with someone and enjoy company and conversation.

Some kind of community has always been part of the human experience. Aristotle in his Ethics said, “Nobody would choose to live without friends even if he had all the other good things.” He goes on to say that having friends is one of the fine things of this life.

Friendships can ebb and flow like the tides. As we go through life, we encounter many people in our lives, some who are friends for a time, acquaintances, and the few who remain long-term, true, good friends.

A strong or true friendship, to use another old saying, is that of iron sharpening iron, strengthening one another to become better – referring to cultivating virtues or relationships, faithfulness, having a fulfilling life, moving from dysfunction to healthy relationships.

Friendship in Human Services

Work can be fulfilling for people, but it is only one piece of having a fulfilling life. What bolsters a person beyond our careers? Family and friendships, most certainly. Aristotle speaks of how there are good things in life, but without friendship, even those good things can tend toward meaninglessness.

In the human services field, we make the distinction of staff versus friends and do not blend the two. A Direct Support Professional (DSP) would be in the category of a resource or utility, not a friend. DSPs can support someone with a disability in attaining a job or medical assistance, or reaching out to the community to volunteer or do something that they enjoy, or in navigating interpersonal skills and building their own network of friends, etc.

A friend is one who is there to enjoy life with, a person who helps fulfill your life and whose life you also fulfill. While a DSP may have these attributes, they are there to support the person in building friendships with peers and/or people the person knows. Or, if a person has no network, to help facilitate finding a place where friendships (people of similar interests, but also trusted people) can be found.

Is friendship learned?

Usually we learn social interaction from imitating others. Many people with developmental disabilities historically have experienced high staff turnover. Sometimes they have also experienced inadequate opportunities to make friends or to spend time with their friends. This could be due to lack of services to help facilitate those opportunities, lack of reliable transport, or another barrier that would prevent anyone from making friends.

When you do not have the opportunity or access to make friends or to spend time with friends, it is easy to begin to view staff as friends. Consequently, it is especially important that DSPs support someone to be able to go out and do things with friends, just like any of us might. Or, if they have not had those opportunities in the past, to support them in making new friends and meeting new people.

How can this start?

We all tend to frequent certain places repeatedly, such as a restaurant, café, game shop, or another favorite place to go. Eventually, we may be recognized as a “regular” by the workers or other patrons, and a conversation may strike up. Don’t most friendships begin with acquaintanceship? People often gather at places where conversation may occur. Historically, taverns and cafes naturally facilitated this kind of atmosphere. Today, you might make a friend at a coffee shop, or maybe you’d meet them at a book club, in a sports league, while volunteering, or even online.

What if you are an introvert?

Find places with like-minded people or push yourself to just be in a place where people are. Some people may not show any outward interest in wanting to interact with others. But as humans, we all seek some kind of connection with another, even those of us who are introverts.

If you are a DSP, hopefully you know the person you are supporting well, and can help them gauge what places may be best and for how long, or what environments may be overwhelming. Basically, explore and try different things, different places – and yes, winter can be a difficult season to find places, unfortunately!

Friendship is Fulfillment

When a person is in a school setting, most of the time it is relatively easy find at least one good friend. While in school, we’re exposed to many people our own age. In fact, high school or college can sometimes seem like the high point of one’s social life.

As an adult, finding friendships can be quite difficult. And if you are someone who is introverted or may experience social anxiety, it can be even more difficult.

But if friendship is one of the “fine things of this life,” then it is imperative for most people to have friends in order to feel truly fulfilled, even if it’s just one great friend. At times, we will have a great group of friends or a few friends, and these dynamics will shift throughout our lives. The reality is that most of us will have many friends in our lifetime, some for our whole lives, others coming and going.

In short, friendships play an important role in our lives. They are an aspect of fulfillment. Friendship is not a cure-all to our ailments, but it is a beginning. A friend is not someone to be seen as utility or someone to be used, but someone to share life with and sharpen one another.

We are beings of connection and community.

The presence of another holds an importance. Some people are more social than others, but nonetheless, some kind of interaction with others is important for all of us. We all desire to be a part of something in some way even if it is not for long periods of time.

To have a life with others, to have a friend or friends, is a finer thing of this life.

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